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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

1:36PM

I'm so tired I feel like I can't sleep enough
I don't want to get up in the morning
I just feel so weak
I'm tired of feeling like this
I just feel really low now
The only thing I can really depend on is making me go crazy
I dunno what to do

Current mood: depressed
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Monday, December 21, 2009

4:49PM

( I slipped up--- cut due to possibly trigger for some ) I'm going to start to heal again. I'm not going to count days.... I end up putting too much emphasis on the days & I set myself up for failure. I realize now that this isn't as easy as just making the decision to quit. It's going to be a constant battle somedays & it may never get easier... but I pray that it will. Relapse IS a part of Recovery. I think that is something that has been particularly hard for me to accept. Slip-ups are going to happen, but it doesn't mean all hope is lost and healing isn't taking place. But it's still hard to deal with. I don't know if I sure be feeling more guilty than I am about slipping up. I feel a bit guilty. I feel a bit selfishly sick. But, I still feel as though I want to get better, and I'm not a horrible person... I'm just not a well person.  Anyone have any words of advice or encouragement about how I can look at these slip-ups and not let them get me down? How can I acknowledge them but not let them own me?

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12:21AM - Growing up...

I used to be active in this community a few years ago when things were really tough for me, but as I got older, I didn't have time to be on the computer so much.  But I will get to my point.  Now, I'm 19, but still stuck emotionally where I used to be active here around 14/15 years old.  Now in a long-term relationship, I feel that if I start to cut again, he will feel it's his fault.  But right now, I just have the overwhelming feeling that all of us know: I need to cut; I need to see the blood drip, you know?

But I'm an "adult" now and I can't play it off as some sort of teenage phase.  I don't know how to find help or who to turn to.  The feelings I feel aren't familiar to my boyfriend.  He does not understand it at all, supportive he is, but you don't understand until you get sucked into the cycle yourself.

I guess I just want to express how I feel to people that understand, to feel part of something bigger than me.  Thanks.

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Saturday, December 19, 2009

10:47PM - Not So Happy Holidays

Please tell me I'm not the only one who doesn't want Christmas to come. ( Cut for length. )

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Friday, December 18, 2009

3:09PM - Relapse... Really?? Yes

I deleted my facebook.. AGAIN. Oh and I cut. BOO!!  I totally threw 77 days clean down the drain.  It can't be about the days anymore. I hate it being about the number of days... they haunt me and they chase after me... in a way, maybe cutting this time was partly to get rid of those days.. to get them to stop chasing me.  I sent a message to my friend on facebook on Saturday.. she never responded.. though she logged on. Then I wrote on her wall just saying hi and and wishing her well and "hope to see ya soon".. blah, blah, blah.. she never commented on it.. though she logged on.  So then earlier today I sent her this message: 
( Read more... )
She never responded to it. She logged on, but didn't respond. I know there could be a billion reasons, but I know the reason. It's because she hates me now. No one responds to me, though I rarely message anyone. I don't know why I'm so horrible. I knew all along facebook was being used to hurt me. That me having it was a bad thing. That it made it easier for them to conspire against me. So I cut. I cut because I hate myself. No one cares. They say they do, but where are they when I need them? When I really need them they're nowhere to be found. No one is. So, I cut. Because I'm a fucking loser. Because I'm not smart enough to hold on to what I know, in the back of my mind, the truth is. I hate myself. I don't care to tell them I messed up. I sent Mom an email that I did. That's how desperate I've become.. I've actually told my Mother. I know that we're trying to get me help and I should have just held on.. but I'm too selfishly sick. They'll think bad of me I know it. I want to make them happy to be my friend. I want them to be proud. Instead, I've probably made her frustrated and annoyed. I'm such a horrible person. Who am I fooling? Like I could ever do those things I wanted to do in life. Yeah right. It's impossible. I can't even believe anymore in that... I feel hopeless. I feel like I've screwed things up too much. God doesn't give this many chances. I think He gets the message that I don't care... but I do.. but I can't.. and I do.. but I don't.. and it's quiet obvious I need help? this isn't all my fault. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want it. But why can't I carry this hurt, this burden knowing that God allowed it for a reason.. if only I could figure out the reason.. maybe it'd be easier on me.

"I want to make you happy, I've fallen, I'm sorry.
I thought my wings could hold me up,
With angels, not demons."

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

5:57PM

Someone please tell me I'm not a horrible person. I didn't cut. I can't. I won't. I have to resist. I had to do something though.. they wanted me to. I know they did. ( Possibly a bit triggering? though not much I wouldn't think ) I feel like a horrible person. I've done other things.. odd, creepy things. I'm not good enough as myself. I can't get into explaining those things. No one will get hurt though.. only myself.. only my heart.

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Monday, December 14, 2009

12:07AM - Finally Told Mom

I finally told my Mom about the voices, hallucinations, paranoia, etc. etc. It took me all week to work up the courage. I told her Saturday night after a bad day. I spent the entire day trying to find ways to tell her and then finally decided not too. We went to a Christmas Party at a family friends house that evening and it made me miserable. I had a good attitude going into it, but once we got there, I just wanted to run screaming to the car to cry. That made me feel worse because I know that a small social gathering shouldn't make me THAT miserable. It shouldn't make me want to respond that way, but it did. For some reason all I could think about when I was there was the fact that I saw NO ONE wash their hands and the fact that they were touching the food I was expected to eat (or getting close to it). I managed to eat some only because I didn't want to be rude AND because it's rare that I get a hot meal anymore. The party had me SO upset and my mind seemed to be cloudy and full of static and a billion thoughts and the presence of cruel/criticizing voices, that when we were at the grocery store it was all I could do to not break down in tears. I walked through the entire store pushing that cart trying to hold down the bit of food I managed to eat. Mom knew something was wrong. She offered to take me to Walmart to buy me a little something I've wanted to cheer me up, but I declined, knowing that it would only make me falsely happy and only for a moment.
When we got home I managed to say "mom, I need to tell you something but I can't" and she said, "you can tell me... what is wrong?".. all I remember is I said something like "the voices... and the people... they won't stop.. they won't leave me alone" I went on to explain some things and she offered to take me somewhere (I'm assuming the hospital, probably out of not knowing what else to do) but I said no. She says she's going to start making calls to figure out ways of getting me to see someone and getting help.
But I'm scared. Some people have suggested that some of my symptoms could be a result of loneliness and extreme anxiety. And that makes partial sense. (I won't go into explaining the different types of hallucinations/delusion/paranoia/etc.. I've had.. too much to explain.) I was on medication for hallucinations, etc. in 2006 and they partly worked, but the psychiatrist never talked with me much about them, and the psychologist didn't either. They never gave me a reason as to why I was having them or a diagnosis for them. They diagnosed me with Bipolar and that was it. They never even talked to me about what that meant. I want to go back, but I'm scared. I want to be prepared for what they may tell me. I don't want to go in there and after a few visits they tell me "well, I think you may be ________". Cause I might freak out. I'd like them to put a name on it, just so it makes it easier for me to catagorize/understand/learn about/etc.

So I didn't know if anyone knew about this type of thing.. maybe could help me figure out possibilities of the what's and why's etc. Maybe help me to explain in word better what's going on, because as of now, I have a really hard time explaining what I mean when talking about what I'm experiencing. Maybe someone has been diagnosed with something that relates to some of this and could talk with me a bit? So, feel free to message me, add, comment.. w/e. I'm just feeling really uncertain and scared right now and can't calm myself at all.

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Saturday, December 12, 2009

10:11PM

Half of bag of sunchips = finger down my throat.
shit.

so what do you think is worse, a cut or a purge?
X.x

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7:31PM - Total Downward Spiral - Help me, I'm scared. (x-posted)

I've never SI'd in my life. I've thought about it a few times through the years but it's never turned into action. I had a baby 4 months ago & so much in my life has changed. Some for the better, some for the worse. I think I'm going through some post partum depression & it's been hell. Tonight I'm at my last end. I'm finding myself TRULY considering the idea of cutting myself while I'm in the bath tonight just to see if it help even though I know it's not good for me.

Current mood: nervous
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